Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
