I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
