I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
