just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
sarcasm needs its own font
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
