Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
