the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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