Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
