way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
