After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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