I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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