You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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