You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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