I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Sorry about my life...
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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