I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize