i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
