Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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