After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
