did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
