My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
FUCK WHALES
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
