He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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