the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
