You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
