WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
