TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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