I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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