tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
