Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
