Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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