i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
