you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
