i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I didn't notice because vodka
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
