Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
