When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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