I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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