when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
