Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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