please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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