Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
