I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
