Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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