what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
He has the fingertips of a God
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
