you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
