my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
