just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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