ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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