I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
