What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
All the doctor said was why
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
