So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
