Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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