my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize