highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
