Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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