So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
this just has baby written all over it
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
