He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
