I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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