True but thats because hes a fetus.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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